Valentine's Day Madness
by unamuerte
Summary: It's Valentine's Day and Gomez doesn't know what to get Morticia. He makes the fatal error of going to Uncle Fester for advice. Instead of romance, madness ensues and Morticia suspects Gomez of infidelity. Can Valentine's Day be salvaged?
1. Gomez and Fester Plot

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the Addams Family. The eminent Charles Addams has that infinite pleasure. But I do own my imagination, and my undying passion for Morticia/Gomez romance.**_

_**Author's note: I'm a big fan of the 60s Television series, so this is my attempt to recreate the hilarious comedy in that show. I don't think anyone tried doing a script yet, so I thought I'd give it a smash. Read and review!**_

**SCENE I: Morticia's Room**

_Storm clouds, thunder crackles. Morticia rises, dressed in her black nightgown, and goes the window. She catches in her reflection in the mirror, and smiles briefly._

MORTICIA: Ah, Gomez, two of the finest days of the year. First Friday the 13th, and now Valentine's day. How glorious –

She turns, and sees Gomez missing from their bed.

MORTICIA: Gomez?

**SCENE II: The Playroom**

Fester is tightening his head on one of the torture instruments in the playroom. Gomez walks in smoking on a cigar.

GOMEZ: Ah Fester, there you are! I have a pressing question and it won't rest until you answer it!

FESTER: How long's this going to take? I've got my own pressing to do.

Fester sighs and suddenly pulls his head out of the head screw.

FESTER: It's no use! Five hours of head rest and I've still got a headache!

GOMEZ: Come on Fester this'll only take a minute. I'd ask Mama only she's out bat-hunting with the children. Besides, you're an excellent counsellor. Remember last time you offered advice to that charming family three doors down? We could hear them screaming with joy for a week.

FESTER: I guess was born with a sensitive ear. Alright Gomez, what seems to be the problem?

GOMEZ: Morticia. (sighs woefully). There's a…slight…_problem._

FESTER: Oh you wanna divorce her?

Fester readjusts his head in the head screw. Gomez steps over and helps tighten the screws around Fester's head.

GOMEZ: Allow me.

FESTER: I warned you the day you two got hitched, once you've married Morticia, you marry all the Frumps, and we don't want a divorce! Where's Genevieve?!

Fester, still in the rack, spies his musket-gun Genevieve resting against the wall. He reaches out for it with his hand but is still stuck in the head screw.

GOMEZ: Now calm down old boy! I don't want a divorce!

FESTER: You don't?

GOMEZ: No! I would pluck out my eyes if I ever hurt my darling, mi vida!

FESTER: Gee Gomez that's a pretty tempting vow. Are you sure you won't break it?

GOMEZ: Fester have a care! I mean exactly the _opposite_. I plan to _increase _the level of romance in our marriage.

FESTER: You do? Good luck.

GOMEZ: Thank you. Wait – I suddenly got the feeling you didn't mean that.

FESTER: Gomez, if you added any more romance into your lives you'd spontaneously combust.

Gomez smiles as if seriously considering the idea, but then takes Fester suddenly by the collar, a mad look in his eye.

GOMEZ: You know, that's not a bad idea.

But no, Fester! I already bought her that underground mine fire for our last Valentine's. I want to get her something so spectacular she'll be bowled over in surprise.

FESTER: That's easy. Get her a bowling alley in the attic. Oops. We already have one. Well, what about ordering one of those Kenyan wildebeest stampedes. Always a sure fire hit at parties!

GOMEZ: Tempting as it sounds I don't think Morticia would thank me if one of those wildebeest trampled her African strangler. No, Fester, when she opens her gift, I want her to look at me with the same wild abandon she did on our wedding night. And our honeymoon. All thirteen of our honeymoons!

FESTER:(extricating himself from the head screw) If you really want to impress her why don't you just ignore her?

GOMEZ: Ignore Morticia? Fester, why must you torture me with your useless pieces of advice?

FESTER: Get with the times Gomez. All modern, sensitive new age men are trying it. I've tried it on all my Valentine's dates. First, you pretend you're not interested in her at all. Forget you've even _heard_ of Valentine's Day. Then, if she keeps pestering you, just fire off a few insults about her looks or weight. Then, she'll be so happy when she finds out you were faking it – you won't even need to buy her a present!

Fester explodes into childish laughter at the thought.

GOMEZ: That has got to be one of the most ridiculous, idiotic ideas I've ever heard. However, it certainly sounds inexpensive. I'll give it a whirl.

Fester and Gomez shake hands.

FESTER: You won't regret it Gomez.

* * *


	2. Morticia's Woes

* * *

**SCENE III:**

**The Living Room. Or Dead Room, depending on your view of the décor**

Morticia is in the living room sitting in her easy chair, busying herself with her knitting. After the third attempt she throws down her needles and turns to watch Mama, who is playing hopscotch on the floor.

MORTICIA: Dear Mama. You look the very picture of youth and vitality. Even the children were having trouble keeping up with you today.

MAMA: Thanks Morticia. Another half an hour of this and it'll take ten years off.

Mama suddenly notices Morticia's despondent mood and stops hopping.

MAMA: Is something the matter? You don't look your usual pale self.

Morticia suddenly rises from her easy chair and begins pacing. Pacing rather delicately in her black dress.

MORTICIA: Am I that transparent?

MAMA: Well for one thing you burnt the toadstool soup. Gomez managed to get through three bowls without saying a word about your cooking. And just ten minutes ago you let Cleopatra swallow a whole bowl of hamburgers.

MORTICIA: You're right. The poor dear will have indigestion!

MAMA: Who?

MORITICA: Why Cleopatra of course.

Morticia finally sits back down in the easy chair.

MAMA: Morticia I'm your mother-in-law. You can trust me with your deepest, darkest secrets.

MORTICIA stops knitting and gives Mama a dry expression.

MORTICIA: Mama, the last time I trusted you with my darkest secrets you intercepted my love letters to Gomez and made copies for the Witches' Tea Society.

MAMA: (smiles in memory) Ah, now I remember!. But I'm still your mother-in-law. Did Kitty-cat try to eat Aristotle again? If you want I can take her to the Zoo and exchange her for a new one with sharper teeth.

MORTICIA: Mama! Kitty is a valued member of our family. She and Aristotle were only playing. However, if the Zoo happens to require a new husband for exhibit I'd be happy to take Gomez in.

MAMA: Morticia! That's not like you. (BEAT) I thought you'd ask for a cage for two.

MORTICIA: (begins to get teary and draws out a handkerchief to dab her eyes with) I know. Oh, I'm sorry you had to hear me say that. It's just I feel I don't know him anymore. He hardly seems to notice me.

MAMA: Now, now Morticia what's brought this on? You and Gomez were great yesterday. You kept Lurch up all night dancing the tango.

MORTICIA: Yes but in the few hours since we've barely spoken a word.

MAMA: Sure you did, remember breakfast?

MORTICIA: You mean when he said hello to you, Uncle Fester and the children, and then you said, 'wait Gomez what about Morticia?'

MAMA: (cheerful) And then he said hello.

MORTICIA: Oh Mama I know what you're trying to do, but it's no_ use_. It isn't like Gomez to be so inattentive. For all I know he could be… making _eyes_ at another woman!

MAMA: I doubt it. Last time I saw him he was playing with his trains.

MORTICIA: Impossible. I would have seen him go up the stairs...unless he took the trap door to deliberately avoid me! Oh Gomez, _how could you_!

Gomez enters the room wearing his train hat with a sheepish expression.

GOMEZ: (cheerful) did somebody call me?

MORTICIA: (drily) Yes dear your wife, wondering if you were still alive.

GOMEZ: (goes over to Lurch and slaps him on the back. Lurch growls disapprovingly.) Alive and well with an appetite as strong as Bruno.

Bruno gives a loud growl by the door-way and Gomez rubs his hands together.

GOMEZ: Do I smell Mama's famous yak stew (cooking)? Mmmmph.

MORTICIA: (eyes flaring in surprise) Darling that's my toadstool soup! (looks darkly at Mama) The one I happened to burn. Mama didn't cook today.

GOMEZ: (looking anywhere but at Morticia) Really well whatever it is it smells delicious! I've simply got to try some.

Gomez rushes off into the kitchen.

Morticia slumps back in her chair, defeated.

MORTICIA: The most romantic day of the year and he's forgotten. What's worse, he's making up imaginary dishes to avoid speaking to me. There's only one explanation: Gomez no longer loves me!

MAMA: Look on the dark side Morticia. He still likes your toadstool soup.

Morticia frowns and throws down her knitting in despair.


	3. Out with the Old, in with the New

**SCENE IV: The Living/Dead Room**

GOMEZ AND FESTER are throwing a pile of black dresses into a large laundry basket. Unbeknownst to them, Morticia and Mama are watching from the kitchen door.

FESTER: It seems a shame to get rid of _all _of Morticia's dresses Gomez.

MORTICIA: (Aside) all my dresses Gomez? Oh this is worse than I thought. He wants a divorce!

MAMA: You think? I thought he was planning to murder you and get rid of all trace of your existence, starting with your clothes.

Morticia looks sharply at Mama, horrified.

GOMEZ: You know what they say old boy.

FESTER: No what do they say?

GOMEZ: (with that mad-cap look in his eye) I don't know – I've forgotten!

Fester tosses the last few dresses into the basket.

FESTER: That's the last of them Gomez.

GOMEZ: Good. We don't need these old things anymore.

FESTER: Out with the old, in with the new. That's what I always say about my ex-girlfriends.

Gomez smiles from across the room and tips his cigar at Fester.

GOMEZ: Wise words old man.

The door bell rings and Lurch, the butler, appears.

LURCH: You rang?

GOMEZ: The door Lurch. It's probably the garbage collectors now. Would you mind?

Lurch grumbles disapprovingly but takes the basket of black dresses and walks off to the door.

GOMEZ: Well that's one trouble taken care of!

MAMA: (marvelled) My boy the wife-killer. Who knew he was efficient at organized crime?

MORTICIA: (aside) The cad! Well it was a good thing I wore my wedding dress today. That's one thing he won't take to the trash. (BEAT) And he didn't even notice!

MORTICIA saunters off, crying.

FESTER: Did you hear something Gomez?

GOMEZ: It's probably just Kitty, crying for her milk. Morticia will be in for the surprise of her life when she sees the new dresses I bought for her. Do you think she'll like them?

FESTER: Like them? Like them?! Gomez, that material's gotta be ancient!

GOMEZ: (proudly) 1684. Only the best for my Morticia. Cousin Crimp sent it free in the mail when I told him it was Morticia's Valentine's Day present. He said he'd be glad to get rid of the old curtains in his castle.

FESTER: You'd better watch out Gomez. If you start spoiling her too much she'll get used to the good life and before you know it: poof! She'll be as wide as a good year blimp!

GOMEZ: Nonsense. My darling Querida is in the prime of her physical perfection. Look at her, an innocent black mamba snaking up the stairs.

They watch as Morticia walks deliberately past them up the stairs, dabbing her eyes with her black handkerchief.

GOMEZ: (Gomez suddenly seizes Fester's shoulder) Fester, it breaks my heart to see my beauty in such distress.

FESTER: Will you get a grip? It's only been four hours since breakfast, you can stand another four. (BEAT) Gomez? Where'd he go?

Gomez finds himself running towards the stairs against his will like a man possessed. Fester manages to restrain Gomez from taking another step by tackling him to the ground.

Morticia turns round momentarily at the sight, then picks up the edge of her dress and disappears on the second floor, sniffling softly.

GOMEZ: I'm sorry Fester, I thought I could stand it, but no! Without my _cara mia_, I'm just a yellow-bellied, chicken-feathered coward.

FESTER: What's changed?

A strange fire comes into Gomez's eyes and he struggles to break free of Fester.

GOMEZ: I must go to her!

FESTER: Gomez, if you can't help yourself, then I'm just going have to make you. The only way to deal with this thing is to go cold turkey.

GOMEZ: Better go and catch one Fester. Turkey only tastes good when its trying to escape.

FESTER: (seizing he yanks on the bell.) Normally, I'd agree with you. But this is no time for fun! You're really sick Gomez!

DONG!

LURCH: You rang?

GOMEZ: Never! Throw me into a tank of ravenous piranhas, drown me in a lake of quicksand, bury me alive with flesh-eating scarabs but I'll only claw my way out, bloody wounds and all! Nothing can separate me from Morticia!

* * *


	4. Cousin It's Sage Advice

**SCENE V: Cousin It's Room**

Cousin It is taking a nap with a musket by his side and a framed photo of Ophelia by his night-table. Morticia knocks on the door and enters, her lithe frame forced to bend to ender the tiny attic room.

MORTICIA: It? May I come in?

IT: bewbrwberbwbhew!

MORTICIA: Cousin It forgive my intrusion – but I must speak with you! It's Gomez.

IT: bwreeekjnjk! Iiittlekellladadlaleep!

MORTICIA: Yes, It, I know it's Valentine's Day. I'm sorry for you to see me in such a state It –

Morticia sinks onto the edge of his bed and starts to dab her eyes with her black handkerchief.

IT: gjslgkjhdgkjdf!!

MORTICIA: I don't know anymore It. He's not the same man. I always thought those long midnight walks after zen-yogi were for his brain fever! Perhaps all this time he was having rendezvous with another woman!

IT: dgjgksejgker!

It takes hold of the gun by his side and aims it as if to shoot. Morticia snatches it away.

MORTICIA: Thank you It, but no. I couldn't bear to dent a bountiful head of hair on his head! (dabs her eyes again) You know he threw out my dresses?

IT: dkjhslkjfhersknjg!!

MORTICIA: Yes, it's true! He and Fester were talking of 'getting rid of the old and replacing it with the new.'

IT: SGKLSFGJHDK!!!

MORTICIA: Don't you see?

IT: gkhfglkghlkd!

MORTICIA: No I suppose you don't. But I do! My eyes are open now – the walks, the dresses, treating me today as if I were a piece of furniture instead of his wife – Gomez plans to kill me off and marry his secret lover!

IT: kjhglkjhdglkjfhgd!!!

MORTICIA: I _know_ it sounds preposterous It but it's the only thing that makes sense. Oh It! Even knowing what I know I can't bear to give him up! What am I to do?

IT: slkfgjheslkjr!!!

MORTICIA: Win him back? _How? _With his heart longing for another woman?

MORTICIA: Take a lover? _It!_ Can't you see my very soul is tortured by Gomez?

IT: sgtrkhjlrkjnhjrk!

MORTICIA: Ah! How clever of you Cousin It. I should have known you would think of something. You're such a wise, cultured man of the world.

IT: (It nods in agreement) fgkjdrkgjerlt!!!

MORTICIA: But _who? _What man could come close to boiling Gomez's blood into a murderous rage? What man could compare to my darling bubula?

IT: Eglekjgkjrwhrkj!!

MORTICIA: Don Juan? Why yes, I suppose you're right. He _is _reputed to be the greatest lover in the world. But how would I get in touch with such a man, on today of all days? He probably has every hour booked!

IT: Gkgkfjglkjgwer!

MORTICIA: The telephone book? Why yes I hadn't thought of that. You know It I'm surprised a suave Casanova such as yourself would be sitting at home on the most romantic day in the world. Haven't you a date?

IT: Tlghesliguehgl!

MORTICIA: You do? With an actress? With _three _actresses? My my aren't we the busy boy?

IT: Ekdgdklgjlllk!

Morticia and It scan through the yellow pages. Morticia calls up Don Juan and waits expectantly for a reply as if making an appointment to the doctor.

MORTICIA: Hello. Mr Don Juan? _Yes._ This is Morticia Addams speaking….


	5. A Harry Houdini Escape

**SCENE IV: The playroom.**

Gomez is wrapped snugly in bandages inside the mummy's sarcophagus with the coffin door open.

FESTER: Thanks for the idea Gomez. I'm sorry but the piranhas weren't very hungry today, and the quicksand was crowded with people swimming. Only they didn't seem to be doing much swimming. We couldn't find any scarab beetles either but you know they just don't seem to stock any in the local pet stores.

GOMEZ: Oh don't worry about it. I'm sure the children will find something carnivorous in the attic. Say you don't think you could loosen these bandages a bit? It's starting to chafe my wrists a bit.

FESTER: Sure Gomez just lemme – oh nice try! Sorry, but this is for your own good you know.

GOMEZ: Do you mind if I smoke?

FESTER: Be my guest – say you are kind of my guest now, aren't you Gomez?

Fester searches for a cigar from Gomez's pocket, but realises its wrapped in gauze. He gets a peace pipe instead and pops it in Gomez's mouth.

GOMEZ: It is pretty comfortable.

FESTER: Say, I could open a bed n' breakfast. Cater to those busy couples looking for a weekend getaway. All we need is a furnace over there for the cooking, and a boiling cauldron over there for showering, and we're set. Oh and maybe another coffin. It's already crowded with one, don't you think Gomez?

Fester turns his back and begins to survey the room.

While Fester is busy imagining, Gomez has used the burning peace pipe to free himself of the bandages and runs out of the playroom.

FESTER: Gomez? (seeing the empty coffin) Awww nuts!

* * *


	6. Enter Mr Don Juan

_**A/N: **__He he thanks for reading guys! It's a shame the original cast couldn't come back and film this one for Valentine's Day. Carolyn Jones/John Astin – what a pair! Oh, Johnny Depp is my inspiration for Don Juan. _

**SCENE V: The Front Porch**

_The fog-horn door bell is pressed frantically outside the Addams' house. There, dressed in all the splendour of a 17__th__ century lover, Don Juan waits. A giant musketeer-style hat rests on his head and a black mask covers his face above the nose a la Zorro._

DON JUAN: _Vamos! Vamos! Mi amor_ awaits!

Suddenly the door opens and Lurch appears, casting his enormous shadow over the Spanish man. Lurch looks him up and down.

LURCH: The circus?

Don Juan is unfazed by Lurch. He draws his rapier, a smart, sharp sword, and points it at Lurch.

DON JUAN: Fear me, for I am Don Juan, the greatest lover the world has ever known. I am looking for Morticia Addams. You are the husband sir?

Lurch growls disapprovingly. He takes the sword and snaps it in half.

LURCH: The Butler.

DON JUAN: (shrugs) I have another just in case.

Now, is the lady in? (checks his watch) I have another appointment in two hours.

LURCH: Follow me.

DON JUAN: Believe me sir she will not regret it.

* * *

**SCENE VI: **The 'Living' Room

_Don Juan enters, ahead of Lurch. Before Lurch can remove the musketeer hat, Don Juan tosses it in the air across the room. He hands on the bear rug. When it growls he draws his second rapier, ready to attack. He turns his head and sees Cousin Farouk's leg sticking out of the mounted fish on the wall, then the moose head, and Bruno the stuffed bear._

DON JUAN: (turning to Lurch) I see you are trying to scare me away from the Lady. But no matter! Don Juan, he _loves _a challenge.

Before Don Juan can spear the bear rug, Lurch clears his throat. Don Juan turns, and there, standing at the foot of the stairs, is Morticia, arms crossed delicately under her chest. He drops the rapier, unable to stop staring.

DON JUAN: (to himself) _Dios mio!_ What a woman!

He turns around quickly and sprays his mouth with perfume, and combs his hair in the mirror. Then he crosses the room, avoiding the bear rug. He bows low before Morticia.

DON JUAN: My lady.

MORTICIA: Don Juan, I presume?

DON JUAN: I am he.

Don Juan kneels, takes her hand and kisses it fervently. He looks up at her intensely with a look of passion comparable to that of Gomez. Clearly he is a practiced lover.

DON JUAN: _My love, _I have swum oceans, crossed mountains, battled armies! And I am here, ready to take you in my arms and prove my love.

Morticia receives Don Juan's presentation calmly. She has heard this speech a thousand times before by Gomez.

MORTICIA: Mr Juan, _please, control _yourself. We have just met.

Don Juan is amazed, and springs to his feet. Clearly he isn't used to receiving such a luke-warm response.

DON JUAN: Just met? Ha ha! That is a funny joke! Mi amor, we are ancient lovers. Perhaps our faces, _si', _are new to each other, but our _souls, _they are very old. Do not be frightened by my boldness, these ardent fires are but proof of the strength of our love.

Enamoured by his own speech, Don Juan takes Morticia in his arms so that her head nearly touches the floor. He gets as far as kissing her up the shoulder –

MORTICIA: Don Juan, _release me!_

Morticia turns her head and Don Juan is forced to kiss a mouthful of hair instead of her mouth. He is forced to release her, sent into a coughing fit.

Thing, popping up from his box on the table, pats Don Juan's back until the coughing subsides.

DON JUAN: Thank you my love

Don Juan jumps when he turns and sees Thing waving from the box.

DON JUAN: This isn't how I love. Forgive me for saying my love, but you are cruel lover. The hand that caresses me should be your hand, and your hand only.

MORTICIA: Please understand, I didn't intend to hurt your feelings. But I didn't call you here to seduce me.

Don Juan raises his eye-brows. This is news to him.

DON JUAN: You didn't?

MORTICIA: Much as I appreciate your amorous attention Mr Juan, I'm _married._

DON JUAN: (grinning) Is that all? Don't worry mi amor –

Morticia holds up a hand before he rushes for her again.

MORTICIA: I need your help Mr Juan. But not _that _sort of help. This is a business matter.

DON JUAN: _Business?_

MORITICA: Yes. May we start over?

Don Juan nods. He kneels, staring up at her.

DON JUAN: As you wish, _mi amor. _I am _Don Juan._

He takes Morticia's hand and kisses it.

MORTICIA: How do you do Mr Juan.

Morticia gives a slight bow with her head.

MORTICA: I'd introduce you to my husband but he's a little caught up at the moment.

Morticia takes out her black handkerchief and dabs at her eyes.

MORTICIA: (BEAT): Planning my – _murder! _(At this she dissolves into tears)

She sits down on the sofa under Bruno.

DON JUAN: Murder _you? _Forgive me, but your husband is mad. _I _would never desert you. Say the word and I will show you what it means to be loved by a _true _gentleman.

Morticia stands by the harpsichord and rubs her temples.

MORTICIA: If ever I was inclined to join a nunnery, he and Gomez are beginning to convince me.

Don Juan joins her by the piano and speaks seductively into her ear. Morticia jumps.

DON JUAN: How may I assist you then?

Suddenly Mama wanders in the room.

MAMA: Morticia! I'm surprised at you! Gomez, no, but you!

MORTICIA: (drily) Mama, this is Mr Juan. The greatest lover the world has ever known.

DON JUAN: (kisses Mama's hand) Madam. Your eyes are two radiant puddles of mud. Your hair – it has the colour and smell of the swamp.

MAMA: (giggling) My aren't you the gentleman! My room is second floor on the floor, if you _need _anything Mr Juan.

Mama curtsies, then skips from the room. She looks shyly back over her shoulder and blows a kiss before exiting.

MORTICIA: Now, Mr Juan, I need you to pretend that we are lovers.

DON JUAN: That will not be hard. But why pretend?

MORTICIA: Gomez is in lover with another woman, but I can't bear to give him up. I know….I must seem…weak.

DON JUAN: On the contrary. Such a man is so lucky he is stupid. But I see! You wish me to make him jealous? Ha ha! Don Juan is the _expert _in jealousy.

He bows, and his cape falls over his head. Morticia sighs and rolls her eyes.

MORTICIA: We shall see.

DON JUAN: Yes, _we shall see!_

Don Juan acts swiftly and lifts her bridal style in the air.

Fester is about to walk into the living room, and is stopped by the sight. He quickly walks backward and spies behind the curtain.

MORTICIA: Don Juan!

DON JUAN: I told you I am the greatest lover in the world!

Don Juan carries her out of the room.

FESTER: Uh-oh. Guess the Valentine's present worked a little _too _well.

Boy, if Gomez sees this I'll be toast.

Gomez comes out of the toy-room, bandages still clinging to his clothes.

GOMEZ: See what?

FESTER: (Jumping in front of Gomez) Nothing!

GOMEZ: (grinning mischievously) I think you're hiding something from me old man.

FESTER: No I'm not!

GOMEZ: Fester, I know that wild-eyed look when I see it. That's the look of a murderer caught in the middle of the crime scene. Ha ha! Nice try old boy! Ha ha!

Gomez side-steps Fester. Fester blocks Gomez. Gomez side-steps to the left. Fester blocks him again.

GOMEZ: As much as I love playing footsies with you Fester, I must insist. Kindly step aside.

FESTER: I'm sorry Gomez I just can't do it. It's for your own good!

GOMEZ: Alright then.

Gomez pulls down on the curtain rope behind them.

DONG! Lurch appears from nowhere.

LURCH: You rang?

GOMEZ: Yes Lurch. Pass the cymbals.

Lurch passes an enormous pair of cymbals. Gomez takes them, and with one 'clang' over Uncle Fester's head manages to knock him senseless.

GOMEZ: Well that certainly was effective. Thank you Lurch.

LURCH: Thank you sir.

Gomez shrugs and steps over Fester's fallen body into the living room. Morticia and Don Juan are nowhere to be seen. Instead, Wednesday and Pugsley are playing on the floor.

GOMEZ: Children, where's your mother?

Wednesday and Pugsley shrug.

WEDNESDAY: I think you have a fever father.

Gomez feels his forehead with the back of his hand.

GOMEZ: Why?

WEDNESDAY: You haven't kissed mother all day.

GOMEZ: Gadzooks! You're right! I'm going mad! I must find Morticia!

* * *


	7. Fester Negotiates

**SCENE VII: The Living Room**

_Don Juan is wearing his musketeer hat again. In his right hand he is cracking a whip. Morticia stands at the opposite end of the room._

_Fester is spying behind the curtains again._

MORTICIA: And you're quite sure this will work?

DON JUAN: (grinning devilishly) _My sweet_, if there's one thing I know that will rouse the angry demons of vengeance in a man's blood, it is ensnaring his wife in a whip!

Morticia waves him on and then crosses her arms.

MORTICIA: Very well.

Don Juan cracks his whip once, and instead of winding the whip around Morticia's waist, he manages to bring down the chandelier.

MORTICIA: Better try again Mr Juan.

DON JUAN: _Si'_, of course.

Don Juan prepares to crack the whip again, when a noise startles him.

FESTER: Psssttt!!

Don Juan looks around, and shakes his head. Fester is calling to him from behind the curtain.

FESTER: Psssttt!!

Don Juan cracks his whip, and instead of ensnaring Morticia, it ensnares Fester instead. Don Juan runs over to Fester, who is untangling himself from the whip.

DON JUAN: And who is _this_? Some fat sneaky spy sent to spy on our love!

Don Juan draws his sword and points it at Fester. Morticia minces over to intervene.

MORTICIA: That's no _spy_ Don Juan, that's _Uncle Fester_.

DON JUAN: (shuddering) You are _indeed_ fortunate my dear.

MORTICIA: Fortunate?

DON JUAN: Your beauty was able to flower in a desert of ugliness. Still, this man has intruded on our love. Fortunately, I do not kill a man when he is down.

Don Juan sheathes his sword and offers his hand to Fester.

FESTER: (to Morticia) Look! There's Gomez! By the window!

Morticia goes to the window. Fester takes Don Juan's offered hand, and when they are standing, twists it behind his back.

FESTER: (to Don Juan) Ugly? I'll have you know I won the world's Most Handsome Man contest three times in a row.

Morticia turns around:

MORTICIA: I didn't see Gomez.

DON JUAN: Aaaaaaaahhh!

MORTICIA: Is something wrong Mr Juan?

DON JUAN: Aaaaahhh!!!

FESTER: Oh he's fine Morticia. I think his throat is a little parched.

MORTICIA: In that case I'd better run to the kitchen and fetch him a nice cup of henbane tea. Excuse me.

Morticia leaves.

FESTER: Right pal – you, me, in the conservatory. Let's go!

* * *


	8. Don Juan Takes a Bow

**SCENE VIII: The Conservatory**

_Fester leads Don Juan in with his twisted hand still behind his back._

DON JUAN: Are you mad? The lady called me to assist her! I am a _lover_, not a fighter.

FESTER: Well in that case.

Fester releases his grip.

FESTER: But you'd better start listening Romeo! I'm giving you this advice for your own good.

DON JUAN: And why should I listen to you?

FESTER: Because _I _happen to be a ladies-man too. And I know what happens when a man finds another man playing footsies with his wife!

_Especially _Morticia's husband. He competes in the sumo-wrestling contests in Japan. Eats like a sumo too.

Fester makes a slicing noise, drawing his finger across his throat.

DON JUAN: Ha ha ha! Big tubby beach ball thinks he can scare Don Juan. I have no fear! I kill _any_ man!

Don Juan draws his sword and aims it at Fester's chest. Fester backs up.

FESTER: Listen, let's not get too hasty. I'm only telling you this cause I like you! You want the truth?

Don Juan still has the sword pointing at Fester.

DON JUAN: _Spill,_ you greasy tub of lard!

GOMEZ: Gomez, he's a great businessman. Pretty good husband too. If he found out Morticia was canoodling with some Casanova well he'd – he'd –

DON JUAN: He'd what? _Speak, _jellyfish!

FESTER: Hey! I'm just trynna help you out. No need to get personal. You sure you wanna know?

DON JUAN: _Si', si!_

FESTER: Follow me!

Fester leads Don Juan into the cave.

DON JUAN: A cave-cave-cave? How romantic-romantic-romantic!

FESTER: Sure-sure-sure. But only with the echo-echo-echo.

Fester flips off the echo switch.

FESTER: Wait till you get a load of this!

Fester lifts up the trap door and the sound of water gurgling and alligators snapping

drifts up to them. Don Juan seems to lose some of his bravado.

DON JUAN: What is _that?_

FESTER: (Proudly) An alligator pit. Wanna wrestle them?

Don Juan shakes and throws down the trap door. He's suddenly getting the idea that the Addams house is slightly different.

DON JUAN: N-n-n-no t-t-t-thank you. Am I to believe, _that _is what happens…to her husband's rivals?

FESTER: Most of the time. When Gomez is in a really good mood, he lets Kitty play with them.

DON JUAN: K-k-kitty?

Suddenly the sound of a lion's roar echoes throughout the cave. Don Juan jumps.

DON JUAN: What was that?

FESTER: Kitty. You wanna meet her?

Don Juan shakes his head.

FESTER: If Gomez likes you, he'll take you to the Playroom.

DON JUAN: (gulps) the Playroom?

FESTER: Come on I'll show you!

DON JUAN: Perhaps I take the tea instead….

FESTER: Come on it'll be fun!

Fester twists back Don Juan's hand again and leads him to the Playroom.

**SCENE IX: The Playroom**

_Naturally, Don Juan is astounded by the torture instruments lining the Playroom. Fester leads him around the room, smiling insanely._

DON JUAN: (shakes his head) Tell me….what…b-b-business is Morticia's husband involved in?

FESTER: Lots! Too many to count really!

Fester starts counting on his fingers.

FESTER: Fraud, extortion, robbery, torture, murder –

DON JUAN: _Murder? Por favor, _but I did not ask for this!

FESTER: Whaddya expect from the mafia?

Don Juan trips backwards onto the trap door. The alligators snap and rattle at the door underneath. He looks green in the face.

DON JUAN: The Mafia? (checks his watch) Oops look at the time! Adios!

Don Juan stumbles out of the Playroom like a drunk-man, followed by Fester, who starts copying his walk.

FESTER: Hey that's a fine walk you've got their friend.

Don Juan starts running. Fester follows him. They run through the conservatory.

DON JUAN: We are not friends!

Don Juan runs right into Gomez, and hits the ground.

GOMEZ: Hello there! I didn't know the National Sprint titles were running already!

Since you're on the ground, how about you help me out with my new mace? I can't quite seem to get the swing of it!

Don Juan stumbles to his feet, terrified.

DON JUAN: S-s-s-orry – g-g-got to run!

Don Juan takes off in the other direction, only to run into Lurch. Lurch growls

disapprovingly. In his hands he is bearing a large axe.

GOMEZ: Don't be in a hurry friend. We always love a little company!

Lurch, make sure that axe is extra sharp for the Playroom. We wouldn't our guest to handle anything of inferior quality, would we?

Lurch stares at Don Juan

LURCH: No sir.

Don Juan looks from Gomez to Lurch. Fester suddenly appears from the Cave, blocking off Don Juan's last escape route.

FESTER: There you are!

DON JUAN: Please! Don't kill me! I have an appointment in the next hour!

Don Juan steps back. Cleopatra is behind him, and wraps herself around Don Juan in a loving embrace.

GOMEZ: Nonsense good friend! Cleopatra's simply flirting. She knows Don Juan when she sees him!

At this, Don Juan shrieks, startling Cleopatra. The terrified man draws his sword and swipes it through the air.

DON JUAN: (to himself) He knows my name!

(to Gomez) Sir, I am leaving!

(to Fester) This job is more trouble than is worth!

He takes a running leap and charges through Gomez and into the living room.

GOMEZ: Oh I get it. He wants us to chase him. Ha ha! Those crazy sprint runners!

Gomez takes off after Don Juan. Fester shrugs his shoulders at Lurch and follows Gomez.

**SCENE X: The Living Room**

_Don Juan takes off at lightning speed through the living room. Morticia is just coming out of the kitchen with her henbane tea. Morticia sets the tray down in surprise._

MORTICIA: Don Juan? You're _leaving? _

Morticia looks at him baffled. Don Juan stops, gives her a tender look, and kisses her quickly on the hand.

DON JUAN: Forgive me _angelito mio, _but my hour is up!

Don Juan races out the door. Morticia's bottom lip trembles.

MORTICIA: Spurned first by my husband, and now by the world's greatest lover! It's too much for a woman to bear!

Morticia retreats into the kitchen. Gomez and Fester come running into the living room, out of breath.

FESTER: Where'd he go?!

GOMEZ: Hard to say. I was too busy catching my breath.

Gomez bends over, panting. Fester puts his hands up, boxing the air.

FESTER: Guess he's also the world's greatest coward!

Strange. Morticia always seems to attract the cowardly types.

GOMEZ: Morticia? Great love of Sasquatch!

That man wasn't a National Sprints Runner! He was trying to kidnap Morticia! The coward probably already has three wives of his own!

Fester begins to sneak away at this point. Suddenly it dawns on Gomez.

GOMEZ: Fester! You and me in the conservatory!

* * *


	9. Gomez Surveys the Damage

**_A/N: In chapter 8 Don Juan calls Morticia 'angelito mio'. That should be 'angelita mia'. Sorry to all Spanish speakers!_**

**_I love it when Fester gets in trouble =D_**

**SCENE XI: The Conservatory**

_Gomez questions Fester. Fester is sitting in a bathtub of boiling water._

GOMEZ: You're in hot water old man!

Fester is scrubbing his back, fully clothed. A rubber ducky is floating in the water beside him.

FESTER: (sighing) It's the most glorious form of punishment I could think of!

GOMEZ: In that case – I'm pulling the plug.

Gomez leans over and pulls the plug. Fester's face falls.

GOMEZ: Fester, odd as this may sound, exactly _how_ many Valentine's dates have you managed to procure over the long course of your life?

Fester climbs out of the tub.

FESTER: (Counting) Let's see… Well, there was that girl I met in the middle of a bank robbery. Thing were going great until the police caught her. Then there was that circus girl I dated. Had a real great figure. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her put her head in little Poochy's mouth.

GOMEZ: Oh? Who's Poochy?

FESTER: Her pet lion. Yeah, we had a great time together. She'd hold the meat, I'd let Poochy out the cage. We'd spend hours running around the ring with Poochy at our heels.

GOMEZ: A true love match. What happened?

FESTER: Well, it's a little hazy now. All I remember is that by the end of the week she wasn't a lion tamer any more. I tried all my romantic moves: I was rude, insensitive, inattentive. I even told her she was packing on the pounds faster than a caged rhinoceros.

GOMEZ: And? Did you get married?

FESTER: No… actually I think that was when she put on ten pounds in two weeks and started growing a beard. You know how much I love beards, Gomez, but when she started threatening to put Poochy in a Siberian wildlife reserve, well, I just have no tolerance for cruelty.

GOMEZ: Ok, so your first Valentine was a flop. What about the others?

FESTER: (scratching his head) Funny, I can't remember any others. I'm sure they'll come to me if I….nope, it's all a blur.

GOMEZ: Gadzooks! I've been listening to a mad-man! I've got to find Morticia and stop her before it's too late!

Mama enters the room sharpening knives.

MAMA: Too late for what? What's the dilemma son?

Gomez takes Mama desperately by the arms.

GOMEZ: Mama, don't you see what I've done? I've listened to Fester's wild ideas and now I've neglected my darling wife. The next thing you know she'll be wearing a white dress and eating herself into oblivion.

FESTER: Gomez that's silly! Morticia has too much taste to wear white

MAMA: I wouldn't count on that Fester. You might want to see this.

They follow her into the kitchen. Gomez walks in, and Fester tries to follow. Mama blocks the door.

MAMA: Not you Fester. You're a bad influence on Gomez.

FESTER: I was before and you never stopped me.

Fester tries to ram Mama over but it doesn't work.

FESTER: Fine! Have it your way! I'll be in the backyard with Kitty if anyone needs me!

Fester leaves.

MAMA: And I'll be in the alligator pit if anyone needs me.

Mama leaves.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Gomez is staring at Morticia. She is sitting at the table, dressed in a giant puffy white wedding dress with an even large white veil pinned atop her head. She is eating from a giant bowl filled with alligator tails and is watching TV.

GOMEZ: By Methuselah's beard! _What_ is that monstrosity?!

Morticia lifts the veil and looks at him sharply.

MORTICIA: Gomez, there are so many things I can stand in our marriage. But your insulting my appearance is the full moon that broke the werewolf's back!

GOMEZ: _Morticia! _I was speaking of your dress. But no matter! You still look lovely, even if –

Gomez stares at her dress, horrififed, but closes his eyes and rushes to her side, knocking the bowl of alligator tails into the air.

GOMEZ: We've been separated for an eternity! It's time to make up for lost time!

MORTICIA: If I recall it's been precisely eight hours, forty-fives minutes and fifty-three seconds.

GOMEZ: Details, details! Close your eyes my darling, I have a present for you…if you'd only come upstairs.

Morticia pushes him away.

MORTICIA: Gomez I'm sorry but we can no longer be together. A dark cloud has darkened our marriage this day, and your very presence is a dagger in my heart!

GOMEZ: I don't understand!

MORTICIA: I have a new husband now Gomez, and he will never abandon me! Please, leave us!

Gomez looks around, dazed, but sees no husband. As he is leaving the room, he bumps into Mama, now covered in sand from wrestling with the alligators.

GOMEZ: Tell me who she married! When I find the man who has stolen my cara mia, it will be the end of him!

MAMA: Gomez get a grip on yourself! Don't you see? Morticia's married the TV.

GOMEZ: Is that possible?

MAMA: The same way it's possible for husbands to get rid of their wives.

GOMEZ: I have a funny feeling I've just dived down the rabbit hole.

* * *


	10. All's Well That Eats Well

_**A/N: **__**If Gomez was for sale I would buy him and keep him in my room. But alas, he would miss Morticia too dreadfully. I can't see one without the other draped across each other's arms. =D**_

**SCENE XII: Outside the bedroom**

_Gomez knocks on the door._

GOMEZ: Come out my dark poison Ivy! You'll wilt if you stay hidden!

MORTICIA: There are worse things that could happen to a wife.

GOMEZ: Morticia my love, _please! _Fester and I only threw out your dresses to by you new, better, expensive ones!

(Aside) Remind me never to take Fester's advice again.

Morticia answers the door dressed in her normal black dress.

GOMEZ: I wasn't planning to murder you at all. I was trying to surprise you for Valentine's Day!

MORTICIA: Yes Gomez I know. Lurch told me.

GOMEZ: Lurch! The cunning eavesdropper!

MORTICIA: That's not why I'm upset.

GOMEZ: It's not?

MORTICIA: No!

Morticia hurries down the staircase, with Gomez following. She turns suddenly –

MORTICIA: Darling, would you still love me if – if I turned into a frumpy wife with a penchant for white and an eating obsession?

Gomez rushes to her side and places his arms around her waist.

GOMEZ: _Querida_, how can you even say such things? I would adore if you had three eyes and a shape the size of this house.

MORTICIA: That's what I'm afraid of. I heard from Thing, who heard from Mama, who heard from Uncle Fester, who heard from you, that you said you wouldn't love me anymore because I was turning into an – an alligator-stuffing housewife!

Fester wanders through, back from the swamp.

FESTER: (Aside to Gomez) You're just lucky she didn't hear the rest of it.

Gomez enfolds Morticia in a loving embrace.

GOMEZ: Lies, lies, all of it lies! Who would ever think of such monstrous insults!

(Aside to Uncle Fester) Remind me to confiscate your dynamite supply for the rest of the month.

FESTER: Well, I'm off to go caving under the house.

MORTICIA: Have fun Uncle Fester. You might as well take the rest of my Zebra roast…in case I eat it all!

Morticia bursts into tears. Thing pops up from his box on the dining room table and hands her a black handkerchief

MORTICIA: Oh thank you Thing! At least you'll never spurn me for the way I look. Or will you?

Thing shakes his fingers, and then disappears into his box. Morticia sniffles and is still clearly unsettled. Gomez stares at her, then enfolds her in a passionate embrace.

GOMEZ: I curse the fool who created Valentine's day! _Cara mia_, believe me, you're the most beautiful woman the world has ever known! Besides, who needs gifts to prove undying love?

Gomez speaks seductively into her ear.

GOMEZ: Every day is a romance when I'm with you.

Morticia pats his cheek affectionately.

MORTICIA: I know Gomez, I know. I never meant to blame you. I'm angry with myself. I've managed to ruin a day that we should have spent together with my own silly insecurities.

MORTICIA wipes the rest of her tears with the handkerchief.

GOMEZ: Never silly _querida_, never! You're a beautiful, enchanting, captivating woman! Tell me what man could resist you!

MORTICIA: (breaking into a sensual smile) Darling you always say the right things.

GOMEZ: (suggestively) I can think of some other things you'd like to hear.

Suddenly the door bell rings, interrupting the moment.

MORTICIA: As much as I admire your _savoir faire _darling, we really should –

GOMEZ: Tish, you spoke French!

At this he takes bends her to the floor in a passionate tango-embrace.

MORTICIA: Darling the door.

GOMEZ: Forget the door! Forget the world! Forget anything exists except you and me!

At this Mama, Uncle Fester and the children burst in chattering loudly.

FESTER: Gee you two you should have seen the size of the bats we caught down there!

MORTICIA: We might if Mr Addams ever lets me go. Gomez my love?

Gomez continues to leave her dangling in his arms, her head almost touching the floor.

MORTICIA: Darling, if you let go now I'll give you your Valentine's gift tonight.

GOMEZ: Nice try _querida –_

but I can already guess what you bought me. That black nightgown you said looked so handsome on me in the store last week.

MORTICIA: No darling not _that _black nightgown. _My_ black nightgown.

Morticia moves suggestively away from him.

GOMEZ: _Tish!_

WEDNESDAY: Mother come see the bat I caught today! I named him Repulsive.

MORTICIA: Such a sweet name. I can't wait to see him. I'll be right back darling, as soon as I feed Cleopatra that hideous white dress.

WEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY: Yay!

FESTER and MAMA: Hooray!

GOMEZ: _Querida_, wait! The way you stand there grasping those shearers, so breathtaking, so powerful, so majestic!

Just like a modern day Cleopatra, a Juliet, a Clytmenestra!

MORTICIA: Yes, but they all died (BEAT)…rather messily too.

GOMEZ: I know. So did their lovers. I was hoping that… (BEAT) maybe that would happen to us one day.

MORTICIA: Darling, you're such a romantic. Who needs Don Juan, when I'm already married to the greatest lover the world has ever known?

Smiling, Gomez takes her arm and begins to kiss her affectionately up the arm.

**~*~*~* FINI ~*~*~*~***

_**To All Those Who Made It to the End, the Addams Family members would like to wish you a Gloomy Valentine's Day. **_

_**May all your dark desires come true.**_


End file.
